The Saga of Becoming Fruitful

Archive for the ‘Encouragement vs Infertility’ Category

More Than Enough

Have you ever found yourself tearing up while singing a song?

Lately I find myself doing this at church. Twice, to be exact in the last month. Wanted to share with you one of the songs - maybe some of you feel similarly, maybe some of you may be encouraged by it.

ENOUGH
(Written by Chris Tomlin and Louie Giglio)

All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough

You are my supply
My breath of life
And still more awesome than I know
You are my reward
worth living for
And still more awesome than I know

All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough

You’re my sacrifice
Of greatest price
And still more awesome than I know
You’re the coming King
You are everything
And still more awesome than I know

More than all I want
More than all I need
You are more than enough for me
More than all I know
More than all I can say
You are more than enough for me

…..

I cry because I realize that in my flesh, I am still seeking to satisfy my desire to have a child.

I cry because I realize I may not have a child and therefore, I have “nothing”.

I cry because I am reminded that God is whom all I need and that He is whom all I should want.

It’s tough and God continues to work in my heart. That’s why perhaps the song speaks to me.

…..

But meanwhile, I count my blessings.

I am thankful for being alive, for having all my senses and my body is complete. I am thankful for having lived a full life and seen a lot in this world. I am thankful for family and friends who have colored my life. But most of all, I am thankful for having God who loves me, who is faithful to me even if I am not and who is more than enough.

Happy thanksgiving!

Ovulation Day (Theoretically…)

Well, good morning, ICLW ladies!

Today is my theoretical ovulation day. Well, I am not ovulating - BBT is steady and CM is is not egg-whitey. I was just hoping that maybe while we are on a break, my body would somehow work “normally” and we would miraculously conceive naturally. There’s no price for dreaming, right?

Anyway, welcome to my blog! This is my second time to be with you all. Make yourselves comfortable and roam around.

Meanwhile, I wanted to write something witty or to show something funny for you gals today. (You who have been reading my blog know I neither witty nor funny, so that would be a stretch!) Anyway, I settled to post this inspiring video for all of us:

A lot of us have been disappointed a couple of times already - some more times than the others, but deeply disappointed nevertheless. I know, I have. And at times, I don’t want to feel the disappointment and pain that I steel myself to numbness. But my God is merciful, gracious, kind and loving and despite my stiff-neck, independence and stubbornness, He welcomes me with open arms and comforts me to peace.

Sometimes, I do feel hopeless. I am reminded though that my God is the creator of heaven and earth and to him nothing is impossible. So for as long as I am alive in this earth, I have hope for a child of my own. That’s what keeps me going in this journey to fertility.

The key thing that encouraged me was what God showed the husband:
“Keep focused on me and just as Peter walked on the water, you’d be able to go over your circumstance. Look at me and I will get you through the storm.”
May this be my prayer - eyes on the Lord and He will take care of me!

Another thing I liked was the verse that the wife mentioned: Psalm 113:9 -
“He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children.”

We all know the statistics - not all of us are going to be a mother of our own flesh and blood. Yet, I continue to hope that this promise be given to my home. Though not as I will, but as God wills.

How about you? Are you losing hope? What keeps you going?

Conversation with DH on Pathforwards

Last Thurday, I was reading LifeSlurper’s blog for the first time after she left me a comment. My tears were falling silently when I came to the Stiching Up the IVF Game post.

That’s when DH arrived from work. Came into the bedroom, saw me in bed with the laptop open and asked me how I was, how my day was, etc. Then he noticed that I was crying.

I told him that DrH recommended that our next cycle be IVF, instead of IUI. That’s when the dam broke even further. Waaahhhh … I could not contain myself. So there I was a crying and sobbing mess. And my DH just hugged me.

Why God?
When I was a bit more pacified, I told him that I was asking God, “Why can’t we not conceive naturally?” “Why did that first IUI cycle not work?” “Why can’t we have another IUI cycle?” Why? Why? Why?

“Can we not conceive with ‘just’ IUI instead of IVF?” Please, please, please?

Money Matters
I also told him that I was so averse and repelled to the idea of having IVF and pay a lot of money for something that was not guaranteed and had no significant edge over the much cheaper IUI.

Will You Still Love Me?
I asked him if he will still love me even if we don’t have a baby? He said, YES! And that as children of the Lord, we are different from the world as they view and react to this situation.

He said what would comfort me deeply - “You are my baby.”

I Want a MiniMe
But I said, “I want a minime, a miniyou.”

And he said “Don’t ask from me what I am not able to give. It is the Lord who gives us a child.”

“So what do we do?”, I ask.

“That’s simple.”, he says, “We pray to God to give us wisdom and guidance to make the right decisions and do the right things.”

WOW. I can’t help but feel so blessed to have him. I just praise God for giving me a beautiful husband who loves me, comforts me and helps me keep my perspective. I can’t ask for more in a husband (aside from wiping the toilet bowl, separating his colored vs white clothes, bringing in his lunch boxes, taking the trash out - all without reminders) No, really. I’m so very glad he is whom I married.

Yet, I feel sad that I can’t produce us an heir who we can raise to be beautiful as well. So I still keep on asking God.

The 2 Week-Wait is Over

BFN.

Big Fat Negative.

There I finally get to use that acronym. So officially, our first IUI attempt yielded a BFN. The home pregnancy tests were proven correct, that’s the good news.

I went in at about 10:30am for the beta-hCG. After running errands, I got home at about 2:00pm with no messages yet. I knew the clinic closes at 4:00pm, so I wondered if they were going to call me today. At 3:45pm when I still did not receive a call, I initiated the call as I was still hoping…. Anyhow, BFN confirmed by beta-hCG results. Bummer…

If it is BFN, do they really tarry in calling? If it is BFP, could it be that they excitedly call early? I guess I’ll never know.

At least, I can now stop putting in those progesterone plugs. Phew!

You Give and Take Away
Last Sunday, one of the songs at church was Matt Redman’s Blessed Be the Name. I love this song and I was prepared to rock it! Of course, it was upbeat! Before the Coda though, the worship leader interjected “here’s the part of the song that is sometimes difficult to sing” - and I knew it was not just musically, but also figuratively:

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

I just had to close my eyes to sing that part. Tears were welling in my eyes. A few were unstoppable and fell down. That coda just means a lot to me.

He gives fertility or takes it away.

He gives a pregnancy or allows it to miscarry.

He gives a baby or not.

All of these things, we cannot know. Yet one thing I know, He gives me a hope and a future. And so, my heart will choose to say, indeed, blessed is Your name!

Conversations with DH on Infertility

Sweet DH (who was coaxed into editing the picture as mentioned in yesterday’s blog) and I randomly have infertility conversations. The last time was about a few weeks ago when many follicles were growing rapidly. We thought that twins would be great, triplets were sort of okay. I am sure as we go through another cycle that we will have a similar conversation again.

There was poster in the SoulCysters forum about the sensitive question about making decisions about pregnancy with multiples. Read more »

Children are A Treasure

Children are a treasure from the Lord. You might not have heard the song but I suspect you have heard similar phrases in the past. I have and at first, I wondered… so where is MY blessing?
Read more »