Journey through infertility ain’t easy nor cheap. Still, God is good…

Have you ever found yourself tearing up while singing a song?

Lately I find myself doing this at church. Twice, to be exact in the last month. Wanted to share with you one of the songs - maybe some of you feel similarly, maybe some of you may be encouraged by it.

ENOUGH
(Written by Chris Tomlin and Louie Giglio)

All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough

You are my supply
My breath of life
And still more awesome than I know
You are my reward
worth living for
And still more awesome than I know

All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough

You’re my sacrifice
Of greatest price
And still more awesome than I know
You’re the coming King
You are everything
And still more awesome than I know

More than all I want
More than all I need
You are more than enough for me
More than all I know
More than all I can say
You are more than enough for me

…..

I cry because I realize that in my flesh, I am still seeking to satisfy my desire to have a child.

I cry because I realize I may not have a child and therefore, I have “nothing”.

I cry because I am reminded that God is whom all I need and that He is whom all I should want.

It’s tough and God continues to work in my heart. That’s why perhaps the song speaks to me.

…..

But meanwhile, I count my blessings.

I am thankful for being alive, for having all my senses and my body is complete. I am thankful for having lived a full life and seen a lot in this world. I am thankful for family and friends who have colored my life. But most of all, I am thankful for having God who loves me, who is faithful to me even if I am not and who is more than enough.

Happy thanksgiving!

As you know, I am looking into 3 fertility centers for possible IVF treatment. One of the things we are comparing is, of course, the cost of having IVF. I’m sharing what I learned about how much it costs at 3 different fertility centers to give you an idea.

Let’s call the 3 fertility centers that I looked into as:
T - my current fertility center
C - highly-rated fertility center, out-of-state
S - famous fertility center, out-of-state

Comparison of IVF Treatments

*Based on other bloggers’ experience, this is what CGH costs.
**Based on Egg/Embryo Banking costs

Going from my current fertility center to out-of-state would be $2-4K more expensive in terms of the IVF treatment.

Comparison of Miscellaneous Costs

*Based on 20% co-pay of $3600
**Assumption only based on 20% co-pay of C ($3600). Actual tests taken right now costs ~$1600.
***Assuming medicines are equal

However, additional $3-4K costs are incurred due to out-of-state travel and additional pre-treatment tests.

Comparison of Grand Total Cost of IVF Treatments

So all-in-all, changing clinics would be $5-8K more. And this is only for 1 cycle!

That is the price of going to fertility center which:
- Offers CGH as a pre-implantation genetic testing method (instead of FISH)
- Has higher live birth success rate (almost double for C. As for S, I need to dig into the CDC data to have comparable data because S reports it differently.)

…..

It’s still not an assurance though that everyone takes home a baby even after spending $$$. I have known about people from both sides of the statistics, even for the highest-rated fertility center.

And it really makes me think twice… a lot… if IVF is worth all the money, all the trouble, all the anxiety, all the stress, all the heartache…

DH says that he’d spend the money to have a chance anyway.

The practical side of this journey boils down to 3 questions for me. I have a definite answer for one while the 2 others are still unknown to me.

1. If I had all the money in the world, would I go through IVF?
YES

2. If I go through IVF, what method/strategy are we going to employ?
???

3. If I go through IVF, which fertility clinic are we going to go to?
???

I’m still “working” on the last 2 questions…

…..

Meanwhile… Of course, I do not have all the money in the world, so I’m looking into how to minimize the impact of having IVF to our finances. And even if we have some amount saved up, the current economy calls for more austere living.

So, believe it or not, I’m actually looking into companies with the best infertility coverage and checking their available job lists! These companies are mostly in unrelated fields where I have expertise on - banking/finance, pharmaceutical, software, etc. I’m open to starting at entry level at these entirely new fields, specially the banking/finance world. The thought of it makes me a bit anxious though.

Any of you have good infertility coverage? Please share what infertility coverage you have, what company you work for, what insurance company you have.

I’m back, finally. Took me longer than I expected but just in time for ICLW.

Glad to be back, though!

Talk to all of you soon…

Too many things to do, too little time…

Didn’t do too well in this month’s ICLW since I suddenly had to squeeze in 2 funerals - 1 locally and 1 in California 2 weekends ago.  Then I had various errands and doctors appointments last week. Then off we flew to NYC for a vacation with my FIL, MIL and SIL2.

Will be back home on Sunday so I will do my best to make up

The good news is that my in-laws are enjoying this East Coast vacation - seeing relatives they have not seen for a long time and touring the key spots of New York, Baltimore and Washington DC - despite the cold weather.

I planned to meet up with Mel (aka Lollipop Goldstein, Stirrup Queen) here in DC too but I was not able to coordinate that well.

But oh well, you gotta make the best of every minute.

Carpe Diem!

DH and I are currently leading the Experiencing God study with a small group composed of MIL, FIL, BIL, SIL1, SIL2 and a couple friend, F1 and F2. In one of our previous lessons, we learned that God could speak through the church, so we “coveted” their prayers so they may be able to guide us based on what the Lord may impress in their hearts.

So 2 weeks ago, DH and I decided to ask them to specifically pray with us as we make decision regarding IVF although we know that they were already praying for us to have a baby.

DH was the one who spoke about it. He gave an overview of the what we are faced with. Their reactions were not what I expected.

MIL asked rhetorically why we had to go through IVF . SIL1 echoed a statement from our study “What I believe about God will determine what I do.” . Reading those statements now looks like they are harmless. However, what I perceived in their voice tones and body language were lacking grace. What I perceived was - we are not trusting God.

BIL and F1 had more open stances. BIL said that maybe in the future, IVF will be treated like the treatment of vaccines - initially, there were many, many questions. Now, it is a common practice void of any no moral and ethical questions. F1 only suggested that we might want to consult with a bioethicist so we can have any of our questions clarified.

I felt that with the little overview we gave them, we were immediately judged. So I had to interject and say that the reason why we are sharing this is to request for their prayers since as a church, the Lord deals with each one of us. I added that we are not asking for their approval and permission.

I have to say I was disappointed with what I saw in their reactions - specially the ladies.

Someone watching the discourse might think that I am overreacting to their reactions. DH did say he could understand their reactions since they did not know a lot about IVF and perhaps were operating under many misconceptions.

Which is exactly why I was disappointed in their reaction. Had they been in my position, I would be more graceful in inquiring.

The Lord pulled me aside though and later gave me this verse: “Pride only breeds quarrel, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.”

I realized I was being prideful because I had researched this IVF topic extensively and here they are just getting less than 20 sentences in description and they are able to make a conclusion about it and about us in less than a few minutes. I thought that was being arrogant and judgmental. And of course, my pride was hurt!

Nevertheless, we did ask for their prayers in the hopes that the Lord speak through them as well on this IVF thing that we have been praying for some time. So I, we ought to be humble and ready as well to receive what they get from the Lord.

SIGH….

Oct 19-25, 2008 is the National Infertility Awareness Week. Most, if not all, people who visit this blog are struggling or have struggled through infertility, and thus we are the best spokespeople for infertility and raising awareness to it.

Some of us are pretty open about the process we are going through in our quest for a baby - we talk and write about it to friends and family and we let them know of our blogs so that they can visit it on their own conveniences.

Some of us are going through this journey to baby secretly, with a lot of friends and relatives not aware of what we have to go through.

Some of us are somewhat in the middle. I think I fall under this category. I answer to queries about us having children but most of the time though, I do not volunteer information about our “saga of becoming fruitful”.

I have an answer to people who really want to know what is going on and who I trust to hold those answers confidentially. I also try to weigh how much I share since not everyone is interested in the whole nine yards.

I have a different answer to people who I am not comfortable with - those who think they know it all on how to make babies, those whose personalities treat stuff lightly or those who just want to know but cannot hold their tongues (use the information to share to others who have no business of knowing).

I (We) have spent a lot of time culling information about our diagnosis, treatments and of our fellow infertiles’ experiences. Maybe even too much information, TMI in infertili-tese. We can probably teach lessons on this now.

My simple mind tells me that there are 4 types of people we are interacting with in our everyday infertile lives:
1. Tactful people who know about infertility - We like them because they “understand”.
2. Tactful people who do not know about infertility - Potentially, these are the people who are open to be educated more about infertility and become our friends, allies and advocates.
3. Tactless people who know about infertility - These ones I would avoid because they do not have a compassionate heart for our sufferings (that they already know of).
4. Tactless people who do not know about infertility - They may still have hope

So there really is an opportunity and value in having an Infertility Awareness Week (Why not a month?) and making people more aware about infertility…

So what am I going to do in connection with National Infertility Awareness Week? Well, I just wrote a piece in my personal blog about it in the hopes that friends and family become more aware of this thing called infertility.

How about you? How are you going to make the people in your circle of influence more aware of infertility?

So today was my first (ever!) acupuncture session.

I did not go to those clinics which called and/or advertised themselves as having expertise on ‘reproductive’ acupuncture. Instead, I chose to go to one of the earliest acupuncture clinic in town because of 2 reasons - 1) they are in-network with my insurance, 2) the acupuncturist/s are real Chinese … so maybe they are the “genuine” articles.

(That’s not meant to be reverse discrimination … it’s just my way of crooked logic. Maybe I should go to those “reproductive acupuncture” experts… I’ll try the “real Chinese” guys first and see what happens…)

My acupuncturist recommends herbs but I refused them since their interaction with fertility medicines are not known. She said that my ovaries and uterus may be “cold” so she recommended that I do not eat nor drink anything cold.

Anyhow, I got needles on my inner ankles, knees, elbows, wrists …..

… and my stomach (one on each side of the belly button).

And I had a warmer directed on my belly area, too. Remember… my ovaries and uterus are suspected to be “cold”.

Anyway, it wasn’t bad at all. I did not feel most of the needles while some I felt antbite-like sensation when the needles were tapped in. I was soooo relaxed that I think I dozed off during the 30 minutes that the needles were in.

And I could still drive after the session, contrary to what I read in the internet (Cleveland Clinic).

…..

And once again, those 1-800 folks from my insurance told the acupuncture clinic that I still need to have a co-pay (despite meeting my Out-of-Pocket Maximum already) …

GRRRRR…

The office girl at the acupuncture clinic was the only person on the office that day, so she was kind enough to hold off charging me…

My plan is to call the insurance next time I go there and get them to talk to the office girl. I hate having to go through another “They told me (office girl)” vs “They told me (me)” cycle again…

…..

Hey… for those of you who are doing acupuncture for enhanced reproductive health, where are the acupuncture points where they put in the needles?

The post on the Geriatric Pregnancy caused a bit of a stir, huh?

Here’s a quick update on the insurance coverage issue I mentioned in previous posts - that my “copay counts towards my Out-of-Pocket (OOP) Maximum”.

I finally pinned down United Health Care on not paying (even) any copay for my chiropractic treatments since I have met my OOP for the year. So now, I don’t have to pay anything…zero….zilch…nada… woo hoo!!! Well, at least for the rest of year 2008 since I have 20 sessions allowed. 18 more to go…

UHC is “wise” though… they want the chiropractic service provider to re-file and re-assess the case (moi!) after every 7 sessions. I guess to make sure that I’m not just there for the massage… which I am there for mainly

Anyhow, it took a total of 2 calls from me and 2 calls from the service provider to establish this - the last call being at the chiropractor’s office where both the office person and I had to speak to the insurance’s 1-800 folks. For some reason, those 1-800 folks somehow end up reading the family OOP… every time … instead of my individual OOP. I’m not sure if those were honest mistakes or if they are trying to avoid paying.

Well, you just have to “know your rights”…

I went to see the Chiropractor - only the 2nd in the last 12 months of my 40 year-life. It was my first time to see her and she is good! She massaged my back, eased my very knotted shoulders and adjusted a lot of my bones! Crack and pop! Whoa, I feel much better!

Guess what? After NOT trying for 11 years, she had an unplanned pregnancy early this year but miscarried. She is 35 years old, 3 months pregnant again and still cracking bones.

I asked her until when she will be able to do that (as I like her already even if it is just our first appointment and I don’t want to be passed on to the other practitioners). She said she does not know yet and will just have to wait and see…

Anyway, her doctor called her a case of “geriatric pregnancy”. Hu-wat??? Say it again… GERIATRIC PREGNANCY. If she, a 35-year old woman , is considered a geriatric pregnancy case, that means I, 40-years old, fall in that same category also (I am not pregnant though, I just wish though…)

Wow, I never thought of my case being “geriatric”. Somehow, I reserve that term to the really, really old people - all wrinkled, gray hair, slow-moving and stooping. Yes, we all go that way in the future…but meanwhile, I just never thought of myself in that way at this time.

Hmmm… the Reproductive Endocrinologists do call our cases “Advanced Maternal Age” - are they just being nice??? Or does the terminology change once they turn us over to the OB/GYNEs???

…..

When she learned that I was trying to get pregnant too, she mentioned that she had a couple of friends who had difficulty conceiving and were able to get pregnant after going through acupuncture. She specifically mentioned one who was getting periods 2x a year only and got pregnant!

I’m not easily affected by such statements but hmmm…. I’m just wondering if acupuncture is the new “just relax and you’ll get pregnant” or “if you adopt, you’ll get pregnant” statements?

…..

Now, I mentioned in my previous post that the insurance’s 1-800 number said that since I have met my Out-of -Pocket max expense for the year, that I do not have to have co-pay. Well, the Chiropractor office asked me for a co-pay since their system showed that I still need to have co-pay. I’m disappointed but I’d like to go back and continue my “therapy”, so I paid the co-pay.

I called the insurance 1-800 number again and they did confirm my original understanding. I called the Chiropractor’s office and they said they will look into it. I told them that I would like to have that settled before my next appointment because I do not want to keep paying if I do not need to (even if they will refund it).

After I confirm that my insurance does take over 100% and no copay after meeting my Out-Of-Pocket, Acupuncture is next!!!

…..

Ohhhh… all the blogging ideas coming to me when I am laying on my tummy and getting my back massaged!